Jealous

I have to admit that from time to time I still get a bit jealous.

The first time leaving the hospital and seeing the new dad's carrying the carseat towards he elevator or the new mom being wheeled down to the waiting room while holding the new baby was a bit hard to take. There always seems to be at least one mother out with her toddler and a newborn strapped to her in a Baby Bjorn where ever I happen to be. The ones that really get to me are the parent's carrying the carseat into the NICU because I know that they are taking their baby home, finally.

I would never wish this on my worst enemy, if I even have one. Probably not even on Sadaam Hussein. I wouldn't wish the heartbreak of not taking your baby home with you the day you leave the hospital. Seeing your tiny baby with IV lines & wires that connect him to monitors with alarms that seem to be constantly going off. A breathing machine over his whole face for the first month, I couldn't even see his face. A feeding tube in his mouth that no matter how many times the nurses told me it shouldn't bother him, I always thought it did. Three blood transfusions, so far. All on a baby that weighs less than 4lbs.

But I think the worst of it is that his mom isn't there with him. I can't comfort him every time he is upset. I can't just pick him up when I am there without first checking to see if he is having a good day. Washing my hands and arms up to my elbows, putting my stuff in a locker, having the secretary call the nurses to make sure I can come back and visit, showing the nurse my wristband so they know he is mine...

I am not my babies main caregiver and I don't even know when I will be. Some days I stare at all of his little stuff that we have waiting for him. The little clothes and his crib he inherited from Hamza. His 'little brother' shirts that are to be taken quite literally now. I just wonder when he will be in there. When he will be home and spitting up on me, waking me in the middle of the night to eat, pooping out of his diaper and just being home with us so we can be whole again and my jealousy will go away.