My arms are aching for my boys.
I never for a second thought I would leave the hospital without my baby, as I am sure most parents wouldn't. Nor did I think that after coming home, my two year old would be on his way to Utah for over three weeks. I catch myself day dreaming about Thursday afternoon. The drive to the airport seems entirely too far away and today is going by as just as slow.
I do not know what I am going to do when I see Hamza. I have only seen him a handful of times in the last six weeks. My mom has been great with sending pictures and videos but it is just not the same as the real Hamza. I don't think I have ever been this excited to clean up toys, change diapers and do more laundry. I've found myself just looking at his room and wondering what it will look like to have him sleeping and playing in there again.
Then I look at Faris' room and realize that it's going to be even longer before that baby boy is home. (And that we really need to paint his room because it's magenta and the kid has been through enough already.) I wonder what it will be like to see him at home and in his crib without all of the alarms in the NICU going off. I wonder what Hamza will think of him or if he will even care that Faris is here. I wonder what it will feel like to have both of my boys at home, giving them baths at night and reading them stories before bed.
Faris is doing so well in the NICU. He is now 3lbs, 8oz & 17 1/2 inches long! His PICC line was taken out on Sunday night and he was finally able to wear clothes on Monday! He is learning to regulate his own temperature so his bed is no longer in charge of keeping him warm. By the end of this week, he will be off of the CPAP and either onto the nasal canula or just on his own. Once he does that, we will be able to try regular mouth feedings.
My boys continue to amaze me every day no matter what they are doing or where they are. I am so proud and blessed to be the mom of two such wonderful little creatures. I kept asking myself how I could love another little boy as much as Hamza and now I couldn't imagine only having one.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
I wish...
I wish I could do all of this for you.
I wish I could be inside the Isolette away from home and the comfort of mommy & daddy. I wish I could do every test for you, the heel pricks almost every day, the breathing machine with all of the straps around your tiny little head. I would do every blood pressure check, the IVs, the blood transfusions, the feeding tube.. I would do it all for you if I could.
I know it can't be easy in there for you because it's not easy for us to have you there instead of home. There are some days that I can't hold you because your tiny little body just can't handle it. You will never quite know how much my heart aches on those days when all I can do it touch you through the sides of your bed. I have to remind myself that you don't know what is going on and you won't remember it.
I can't wait to get you home and watch you grow up and learn new things, play with your brother and just spend time with you. I will look back on the day that you were just a tiny 2lbs, 7 oz and wonder where the time went when you are standing taller than me and have your own children. I will look back on the day that you needed the CPAP and Oxygen in wonderment as you run around and play outside. When you take your first steps, I will remember when Daddy's wedding band fit around your wrist with plenty of room to spare.
And when the time comes to finally bring you home, our family will again be whole.
I wish I could be inside the Isolette away from home and the comfort of mommy & daddy. I wish I could do every test for you, the heel pricks almost every day, the breathing machine with all of the straps around your tiny little head. I would do every blood pressure check, the IVs, the blood transfusions, the feeding tube.. I would do it all for you if I could.
I know it can't be easy in there for you because it's not easy for us to have you there instead of home. There are some days that I can't hold you because your tiny little body just can't handle it. You will never quite know how much my heart aches on those days when all I can do it touch you through the sides of your bed. I have to remind myself that you don't know what is going on and you won't remember it.
I can't wait to get you home and watch you grow up and learn new things, play with your brother and just spend time with you. I will look back on the day that you were just a tiny 2lbs, 7 oz and wonder where the time went when you are standing taller than me and have your own children. I will look back on the day that you needed the CPAP and Oxygen in wonderment as you run around and play outside. When you take your first steps, I will remember when Daddy's wedding band fit around your wrist with plenty of room to spare.
And when the time comes to finally bring you home, our family will again be whole.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Oh, Hamza!
As a parent, I have no idea what to do with myself without my children with me.
I cannot, CANNOT wait for Hamza to get home next week!! It feels like Christmas all over again! Thursday, July 28th cannot get here any faster! I just need that little boy back home with me, not eating his dinner, waking up too early, bringing me the remote to watch his cartoons, pooping right before we need to leave somewhere.. I can't wait!
I am going to make sure to spend the next couple of weeks with Hamza doing all of the fun little things I had planned for the Summer. He loves airplanes and I think the first weekend back, we are going to head over to the Dulles Air & Space Museum. I love when he hears one up in the sky and just looks and points to it. Hopefully we can go on a day when the planes are flying close to the old traffic control tower so he can see them up close. It is going to be so much fun!
He loves swimming and I can't wait to just watch him play in the kiddie pool with his water toys! I can't wait to take him there, have some lunch by the pool and just spend some time with him outside.
I cannot wait to read to him at night. I would read him every single one of his books if he asked me too. I haven't been able to do that since before I went to the hospital and only a few nights before he left. I love that he loves to read.
I just want to play hide & seek around the house with him, drive his cars and play blocks with him. It's going to be challenging to take time away from him to be with Faris but I guess I will need to learn to share my time between the two eventually. I sometimes wondered how I could love another little boy as much as my Hamza but I guess Faris heard and made sure I would love him just as much! (As if I wouldn't!)
Next Thursday brings us one step closer to having our boys back home with us and I am so excited! The next step will be getting Faris home. I know that is a little further down the line but he is in good hands and is continuing to do well. He is up to 3lbs 7 oz as of this morning! His belly scan came back normal and his belly button cord was starting to look better. He looks bigger and better every time we see him. I guess we really should get around to painting his room because his homecoming is going to sneak up on us!
So proud of both of my little boys. They continue to amaze me every day.
Is it Thursday yet??
I cannot, CANNOT wait for Hamza to get home next week!! It feels like Christmas all over again! Thursday, July 28th cannot get here any faster! I just need that little boy back home with me, not eating his dinner, waking up too early, bringing me the remote to watch his cartoons, pooping right before we need to leave somewhere.. I can't wait!
I am going to make sure to spend the next couple of weeks with Hamza doing all of the fun little things I had planned for the Summer. He loves airplanes and I think the first weekend back, we are going to head over to the Dulles Air & Space Museum. I love when he hears one up in the sky and just looks and points to it. Hopefully we can go on a day when the planes are flying close to the old traffic control tower so he can see them up close. It is going to be so much fun!
He loves swimming and I can't wait to just watch him play in the kiddie pool with his water toys! I can't wait to take him there, have some lunch by the pool and just spend some time with him outside.
I cannot wait to read to him at night. I would read him every single one of his books if he asked me too. I haven't been able to do that since before I went to the hospital and only a few nights before he left. I love that he loves to read.
I just want to play hide & seek around the house with him, drive his cars and play blocks with him. It's going to be challenging to take time away from him to be with Faris but I guess I will need to learn to share my time between the two eventually. I sometimes wondered how I could love another little boy as much as my Hamza but I guess Faris heard and made sure I would love him just as much! (As if I wouldn't!)
Next Thursday brings us one step closer to having our boys back home with us and I am so excited! The next step will be getting Faris home. I know that is a little further down the line but he is in good hands and is continuing to do well. He is up to 3lbs 7 oz as of this morning! His belly scan came back normal and his belly button cord was starting to look better. He looks bigger and better every time we see him. I guess we really should get around to painting his room because his homecoming is going to sneak up on us!
So proud of both of my little boys. They continue to amaze me every day.
Is it Thursday yet??
Saturday, July 16, 2011
A Full Day With Faris
BEEP BEEP BEEP.... BUZZZZ BUZZZZ...... STEP, STEP, STEP, STEP.... CLICK, SHUT. DING...DING....DING... TALKING. BABY CRYING.. STEP, STEP, STEP, STEP...LIGHTS ON.. BEEEP.. BEEEEEP... TALKING.. CLICK, CLICK. TALKING... BUZZZZ..BUZZZ... TALKING..LIGHTS OFF..DING.....DING.....DING.
These are the noises that go on during most of the day at the NICU. I hope it is much more quiet for him while he is sleeping in his isolette.
Yesterday was the most wonderful time that I have spent with him. I arrived at the hospital at 1:30 in order to attend the NICU support group but found out they do not have the meetings during the summer. Having been slightly disappointed, I went to see Faris and get an update from his nurse knowing that it would instantly cheer me up!
I don't think I have ever been excited about someone close to me working on a double chin but I am cheering this little man on as if it were the Superbowl! His weight is hanging out at about 3lbs and the doctor has left his feed at 3.9ML to let him get used to it. He is still gaining but looses a little after he poops. I guess when you only weigh 3 lbs, pooping can really have an effect on the scale. If only we could all be so lucky.
Faris has been having a small issue with remembering to breath. He had a BRADY yesterday and one also this morning when I called in to see how his night went. The good part is that he recovers himself after only a few seconds. The nurses do not need to stimulate or wake him up at all when it happens. They are not worried about it so I will try not to be either. TRY...TRY......
Now on to the best part of my day, holding my tiny little Faris.
The nurse took him out and stuck him right down in my shirt. It is called Kangaroo Care and after the first time doing it, I understand why they named it so. He just sits down in my shirt, tucked into it and giving a little cry as if to say, 'What are you doing to me?'. He gets a blanket over him and then we just lay there. The nurse put a screen behind me and I closed my eyes and just touched and loved on him. I told him about Bruno, what his brother is doing in Utah. How proud his daddy is of him. His Bebe and how excited she is to see him when he comes home and that his Aunt Katie will be here to meet him in a few weeks (11 days actually.... though I am SO not counting down the days.) Steph & Lyndsay also came to visit, so I made sure to tell him when they got there.
We just laid there and napped together, more him than I on the napping part. It was so wonderful. He picked up his little head and put his hand underneath it at one point. The little noises he makes are just so sweet. I love when he stretches out like he finally is free from his nest inside the isolette. I just love him.
I can't go to the gym yet. Hamza is still in Utah. I am not fully recovered from the C Section and can't do all of the usual stuff around the house. Being with Faris is my outlet. My happiness. My heart. I left the hospital last night feeling so happy and content and ready to face another week with my head up, no support group needed.
These are the noises that go on during most of the day at the NICU. I hope it is much more quiet for him while he is sleeping in his isolette.
Yesterday was the most wonderful time that I have spent with him. I arrived at the hospital at 1:30 in order to attend the NICU support group but found out they do not have the meetings during the summer. Having been slightly disappointed, I went to see Faris and get an update from his nurse knowing that it would instantly cheer me up!
I don't think I have ever been excited about someone close to me working on a double chin but I am cheering this little man on as if it were the Superbowl! His weight is hanging out at about 3lbs and the doctor has left his feed at 3.9ML to let him get used to it. He is still gaining but looses a little after he poops. I guess when you only weigh 3 lbs, pooping can really have an effect on the scale. If only we could all be so lucky.
Faris has been having a small issue with remembering to breath. He had a BRADY yesterday and one also this morning when I called in to see how his night went. The good part is that he recovers himself after only a few seconds. The nurses do not need to stimulate or wake him up at all when it happens. They are not worried about it so I will try not to be either. TRY...TRY......
Now on to the best part of my day, holding my tiny little Faris.
The nurse took him out and stuck him right down in my shirt. It is called Kangaroo Care and after the first time doing it, I understand why they named it so. He just sits down in my shirt, tucked into it and giving a little cry as if to say, 'What are you doing to me?'. He gets a blanket over him and then we just lay there. The nurse put a screen behind me and I closed my eyes and just touched and loved on him. I told him about Bruno, what his brother is doing in Utah. How proud his daddy is of him. His Bebe and how excited she is to see him when he comes home and that his Aunt Katie will be here to meet him in a few weeks (11 days actually.... though I am SO not counting down the days.) Steph & Lyndsay also came to visit, so I made sure to tell him when they got there.
We just laid there and napped together, more him than I on the napping part. It was so wonderful. He picked up his little head and put his hand underneath it at one point. The little noises he makes are just so sweet. I love when he stretches out like he finally is free from his nest inside the isolette. I just love him.
I can't go to the gym yet. Hamza is still in Utah. I am not fully recovered from the C Section and can't do all of the usual stuff around the house. Being with Faris is my outlet. My happiness. My heart. I left the hospital last night feeling so happy and content and ready to face another week with my head up, no support group needed.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Three Pounds
What a great week it has been!
Faris has gained about 80 grams and has reached the three pound mark! I was down there visiting him Friday, Saturday, Sunday & Monday and he looked the same. By Wednesday, I thought the nurses had switched out babies on us!! He had a double chin and a little tiny fat bit of fat rolls on his neck. Ali & I were both totally shocked! I thought he would be living in Preemie clothes for a while but we might be taking some of those back and I couldn't be happier!
He received a blood transfusion earlier in the week and it seems to really be helping. They check his blood periodically for infection, white & red cell count by pricking his heel. For an adult, that wouldn't be a problem but due to his small size and prematurity, he is not able to make blood fast enough to recover the amount they take out. His Oxygen Saturation levels were not steady and it was due to his red cell count being low. Since the transfusion, his Oxygen has remained pretty steadily at 21% which is the same amount that you and I are breathing in now. His CPAP level is still at 4 and he is breathing on his own.
His feed was up to 3.9ML per hour as of last night and I have a feeling that it will be up to 4.1ML by some time today. I am pumping at home and take the breast milk to the hospital for them to mix up and put into his feeding tube. He is also receiving a supplement that provides 24 calories per hour, after seeing him on Wednesday I can tell it is working!
Hamza is trying to read! We usually read one book at home every night and my mom has been reading him two or three each night. One night he sounded out nose and bed to her and last night he said all of the letters on her Sheriff badge!
Earlier in the week he found a picture of us and was loving on it, as we were told. He carried it around and was saying momma & dadda to it. Every time I call my grandma to check on him, she tells me that he has his rope and his mouse and the picture of you guys and is happy. (He found a piece of rope a few trips back and this ugly plastic rat and I guess those are his security while he is there during the day.) Having Hamza there is like a dream com true for my grandma. She always tells me that I am allowed to go back home but I have to leave Hamza whenever one of our stays were coming to an end.
I miss that little man but I know he is having so much fun and is being spoiled! Apparently he is too good for regular yogurt and will only eat the Yoplait Parfait's. The kid is given a smorgasbord of options for dinner; Mac & Cheese, PB & J sandwich, chicken taquitos, apple slices and juice. If that isn't love, I don't know what is. He is not going to want to come back home to mom and dad!
I can't wait to have all of my boys back home with me and I know Ali is looking forward to it just as much!
I will be spending most of the day down at Fairfax Hospital with just Faris & I... and the nurses, doctors and other babies in the room. There is a NICU support group that I am attending this afternoon during my visit. My feelings have been a little up and down about everything so talking it over with other people in the same situation will be good for me. I know it is all normal but I have been excited about this since I could drive myself around again!
Happy Friday!
Faris has gained about 80 grams and has reached the three pound mark! I was down there visiting him Friday, Saturday, Sunday & Monday and he looked the same. By Wednesday, I thought the nurses had switched out babies on us!! He had a double chin and a little tiny fat bit of fat rolls on his neck. Ali & I were both totally shocked! I thought he would be living in Preemie clothes for a while but we might be taking some of those back and I couldn't be happier!
He received a blood transfusion earlier in the week and it seems to really be helping. They check his blood periodically for infection, white & red cell count by pricking his heel. For an adult, that wouldn't be a problem but due to his small size and prematurity, he is not able to make blood fast enough to recover the amount they take out. His Oxygen Saturation levels were not steady and it was due to his red cell count being low. Since the transfusion, his Oxygen has remained pretty steadily at 21% which is the same amount that you and I are breathing in now. His CPAP level is still at 4 and he is breathing on his own.
His feed was up to 3.9ML per hour as of last night and I have a feeling that it will be up to 4.1ML by some time today. I am pumping at home and take the breast milk to the hospital for them to mix up and put into his feeding tube. He is also receiving a supplement that provides 24 calories per hour, after seeing him on Wednesday I can tell it is working!
Hamza is trying to read! We usually read one book at home every night and my mom has been reading him two or three each night. One night he sounded out nose and bed to her and last night he said all of the letters on her Sheriff badge!
Earlier in the week he found a picture of us and was loving on it, as we were told. He carried it around and was saying momma & dadda to it. Every time I call my grandma to check on him, she tells me that he has his rope and his mouse and the picture of you guys and is happy. (He found a piece of rope a few trips back and this ugly plastic rat and I guess those are his security while he is there during the day.) Having Hamza there is like a dream com true for my grandma. She always tells me that I am allowed to go back home but I have to leave Hamza whenever one of our stays were coming to an end.
I miss that little man but I know he is having so much fun and is being spoiled! Apparently he is too good for regular yogurt and will only eat the Yoplait Parfait's. The kid is given a smorgasbord of options for dinner; Mac & Cheese, PB & J sandwich, chicken taquitos, apple slices and juice. If that isn't love, I don't know what is. He is not going to want to come back home to mom and dad!
I can't wait to have all of my boys back home with me and I know Ali is looking forward to it just as much!
I will be spending most of the day down at Fairfax Hospital with just Faris & I... and the nurses, doctors and other babies in the room. There is a NICU support group that I am attending this afternoon during my visit. My feelings have been a little up and down about everything so talking it over with other people in the same situation will be good for me. I know it is all normal but I have been excited about this since I could drive myself around again!
Happy Friday!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Just Wanted To Tell You I Love You
I am so lucky to have you.
We have the best times together. I love our little family outings to Old Town or a random afternoon in DC. It doesn't matter where the day takes us, as long as we are together as a family, I know we will be laughing.
I have watched you grow into such an amazing person, father and husband over the past five years together. I admire your determination and strength to take care of us and allow me to stay at home with our children. I love when you come home after a long day at work and want to play with Hamza. The sound of him giggling and you playing along with him are some of the best noises in the world. That boy loves you so much and I know Faris will too.
I am so proud of how well you have handled this crazy situation we have been thrown in to. We thought June was an eventful month but I guess we really had no idea just how insane it could get. You were my rock that first night at the hospital when we were told I wouldn't be leaving until I delivered. You watched me get blood drawn, given medicine and IVs. You fed me ice chips for 2 days while I couldn't eat or drink anything. You visited me every night after work just to have dinner with me and slept over when I finally moved into my own room.
When we found out I would be having a C-Section I honestly thought you wouldn't be able to handle it but you were there, held my hand and just told me I was doing great. I know you were torn between staying with me and going with Faris but he needed you more than I did.
You are so supportive of me and would be so with anything I wanted to do. I am so happy that our boys will have such a wonderful man to look up to as a father & husband to their wives one day. I know I tell you I love you all the time but I want you to know how much I truly appreciate you for everything that you do for me and our boys, even Bruno.
I love you so much.
We have the best times together. I love our little family outings to Old Town or a random afternoon in DC. It doesn't matter where the day takes us, as long as we are together as a family, I know we will be laughing.
I have watched you grow into such an amazing person, father and husband over the past five years together. I admire your determination and strength to take care of us and allow me to stay at home with our children. I love when you come home after a long day at work and want to play with Hamza. The sound of him giggling and you playing along with him are some of the best noises in the world. That boy loves you so much and I know Faris will too.
I am so proud of how well you have handled this crazy situation we have been thrown in to. We thought June was an eventful month but I guess we really had no idea just how insane it could get. You were my rock that first night at the hospital when we were told I wouldn't be leaving until I delivered. You watched me get blood drawn, given medicine and IVs. You fed me ice chips for 2 days while I couldn't eat or drink anything. You visited me every night after work just to have dinner with me and slept over when I finally moved into my own room.
When we found out I would be having a C-Section I honestly thought you wouldn't be able to handle it but you were there, held my hand and just told me I was doing great. I know you were torn between staying with me and going with Faris but he needed you more than I did.
You are so supportive of me and would be so with anything I wanted to do. I am so happy that our boys will have such a wonderful man to look up to as a father & husband to their wives one day. I know I tell you I love you all the time but I want you to know how much I truly appreciate you for everything that you do for me and our boys, even Bruno.
I love you so much.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Just Say A Little Prayer
I have been loving my time spent with Faris the past couple of days!
More and more family have come to visit him. We gave him another bath over the weekend and I spent an entire hour holding him today. I wish it didn't have to end. He changes every time we see him and is just doing so well in there.
During my visit yesterday, I was given a shocking little dose of reality. About 20 minutes into holding Faris I realized I heard someone crying across the room. I am sure most of you know where this is going but I, along with the other mother's and visitors in the room, were asked to leave.
Ali & I have been so blessed to have such a healthy baby who has been able to breath on his own. Who tolerates his feeds well and continues to be moved up on the amount almost daily and is gaining weight. Who doesn't need much oxygen and the little extra that he has needed is normal for his age. Most importantly, who is still with us and is allowing us to get through these days fairly easy.
I would like to ask those of you who read this blog to take a moment and say a little prayer. I don't know that family. You don't know that family. What I do know, is that prayers are always heard no matter what religion we are. So take a minute away from Facebook, your cell phone, the TV & DVR and even this blog and say a little prayer. Not just for Faris but all of the babies, their families and the nurses & doctors who work so hard to watch carefully over them for the parents.
More and more family have come to visit him. We gave him another bath over the weekend and I spent an entire hour holding him today. I wish it didn't have to end. He changes every time we see him and is just doing so well in there.
During my visit yesterday, I was given a shocking little dose of reality. About 20 minutes into holding Faris I realized I heard someone crying across the room. I am sure most of you know where this is going but I, along with the other mother's and visitors in the room, were asked to leave.
Ali & I have been so blessed to have such a healthy baby who has been able to breath on his own. Who tolerates his feeds well and continues to be moved up on the amount almost daily and is gaining weight. Who doesn't need much oxygen and the little extra that he has needed is normal for his age. Most importantly, who is still with us and is allowing us to get through these days fairly easy.
I would like to ask those of you who read this blog to take a moment and say a little prayer. I don't know that family. You don't know that family. What I do know, is that prayers are always heard no matter what religion we are. So take a minute away from Facebook, your cell phone, the TV & DVR and even this blog and say a little prayer. Not just for Faris but all of the babies, their families and the nurses & doctors who work so hard to watch carefully over them for the parents.
Friday, July 8, 2011
:)
Today was a much better day than yesterday was!
Jeannie came and picked me up and we drove down to see Faris. The plan was to go during his hands on time so we would both get a chance to hold him but his temperature was a little on the cold side. The nurse didn't seem too sure about taking him out and I didn't want to do anything that wouldn't be good for him. Jeannie had said that holding him would be a great birthday present but I guess he just wanted her to really work for it.
The nurses today were trying out the oxygen prongs instead of the cpap mask. He was tolerating it well and his saturation level was staying within a normal range but he was just not happy about those little tubes in his nose. This stubborn little man just has his mind set on doing things his own way. I still think that he just wanted to be out of my stomach and karate kicked the amniotic sac in an effort to come out that night. He can be as stubborn as he wants to as long as he keeps going in the direction he has been going.
I am so proud of how well he is doing and I make sure to tell him every time I visit him. I talk to him about what his brother has been doing in Utah. What his daddy is doing at work and about his dog. I tell him about his aunts, uncles, and all of his grandparents and how much they all love him. I am finally able to drive so I can spend more time down there with him, especially while Hamza is still in Utah. I can't wait to read him some books and just spend more time with him, holding him and helping with whatever I can.
There will be many ups and downs throughout this adventure. Yesterday was a down day and I am allowed to have those from time to time but today was a much better day. I had a great afternoon with Jeannie and a wonderful evening with my family. I felt like a spoiled 16 year old who finally got their license! (Hey, if you weren't allowed to drive for 2 weeks and your husband comes home with a new car for you the first day home from the hospital, you would feel the same way!) And although I miss both of my kids more than anything, having a break and time to recover is kind of nice and will give me time to focus on myself and Faris.
Jeannie came and picked me up and we drove down to see Faris. The plan was to go during his hands on time so we would both get a chance to hold him but his temperature was a little on the cold side. The nurse didn't seem too sure about taking him out and I didn't want to do anything that wouldn't be good for him. Jeannie had said that holding him would be a great birthday present but I guess he just wanted her to really work for it.
The nurses today were trying out the oxygen prongs instead of the cpap mask. He was tolerating it well and his saturation level was staying within a normal range but he was just not happy about those little tubes in his nose. This stubborn little man just has his mind set on doing things his own way. I still think that he just wanted to be out of my stomach and karate kicked the amniotic sac in an effort to come out that night. He can be as stubborn as he wants to as long as he keeps going in the direction he has been going.
I am so proud of how well he is doing and I make sure to tell him every time I visit him. I talk to him about what his brother has been doing in Utah. What his daddy is doing at work and about his dog. I tell him about his aunts, uncles, and all of his grandparents and how much they all love him. I am finally able to drive so I can spend more time down there with him, especially while Hamza is still in Utah. I can't wait to read him some books and just spend more time with him, holding him and helping with whatever I can.
There will be many ups and downs throughout this adventure. Yesterday was a down day and I am allowed to have those from time to time but today was a much better day. I had a great afternoon with Jeannie and a wonderful evening with my family. I felt like a spoiled 16 year old who finally got their license! (Hey, if you weren't allowed to drive for 2 weeks and your husband comes home with a new car for you the first day home from the hospital, you would feel the same way!) And although I miss both of my kids more than anything, having a break and time to recover is kind of nice and will give me time to focus on myself and Faris.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Blame It On The Hormones....
I never knew how much a quiet house could make me just a little bit sad.
I am missing the sound of all of the toys that Hamza plays with. The sound of him throwing his blocks, and everything else, across the hardwood floors. The sound of my closet doors being opened and shut repeatedly and not softly. Playing hide & seek with him and his giggles when I jump out after he finds me. The sound of his voice singing to all of the kid songs on the CD I made him while we drive in the car.
I have looked at all of the pictures on Facebook, my phone, my computer and photo album more than once.... more than twice even. I have replayed the video of him saying his name at least 20 times and every time I smile.
He is having a blast in Utah with my mom and Grandma and actually talked to me a little tiny bit over the phone this morning. He blossoms so much there, it's amazing. It has just been a little lonely without my buddy tagging along with me.
In my wildest dreams did the thought of leaving the hospital without my baby ever cross my mind. I should be up all night with a baby, constantly changing diapers and feeding two little ones. The NICU is taking great care of him and I know that it is the best place for him but today I am just missing that tiny baby boy. The nurses are all amazing there and they love him so much. I couldn't ask for more for him.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I have everything I could have ever wanted out of life and I thank God ever day for what He has given me. I have an amazing husband who works so hard every single day to put food on the table, a roof over our heads, a car to drive and anything else I could ever want. I have the best little boy in the world. He is so smart and just cracks me up all the time with how mischievous he can be and most of all he is healthy. My baby boy is such a strong little fighter and has amazed everyone with how well he is doing. My family is so loving and would do anything for me just as I would do anything for them.
The social worker from the NICU explained that there would be days like this and it's OK to feel this way. I am going to let myself have this one day to be a little sad about it and that's all I get. I need to be strong for my boys and for myself because that's what is keeping all of them going.
So today is my one day.... & I blame it on the hormones.
I am missing the sound of all of the toys that Hamza plays with. The sound of him throwing his blocks, and everything else, across the hardwood floors. The sound of my closet doors being opened and shut repeatedly and not softly. Playing hide & seek with him and his giggles when I jump out after he finds me. The sound of his voice singing to all of the kid songs on the CD I made him while we drive in the car.
I have looked at all of the pictures on Facebook, my phone, my computer and photo album more than once.... more than twice even. I have replayed the video of him saying his name at least 20 times and every time I smile.
He is having a blast in Utah with my mom and Grandma and actually talked to me a little tiny bit over the phone this morning. He blossoms so much there, it's amazing. It has just been a little lonely without my buddy tagging along with me.
In my wildest dreams did the thought of leaving the hospital without my baby ever cross my mind. I should be up all night with a baby, constantly changing diapers and feeding two little ones. The NICU is taking great care of him and I know that it is the best place for him but today I am just missing that tiny baby boy. The nurses are all amazing there and they love him so much. I couldn't ask for more for him.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I have everything I could have ever wanted out of life and I thank God ever day for what He has given me. I have an amazing husband who works so hard every single day to put food on the table, a roof over our heads, a car to drive and anything else I could ever want. I have the best little boy in the world. He is so smart and just cracks me up all the time with how mischievous he can be and most of all he is healthy. My baby boy is such a strong little fighter and has amazed everyone with how well he is doing. My family is so loving and would do anything for me just as I would do anything for them.
The social worker from the NICU explained that there would be days like this and it's OK to feel this way. I am going to let myself have this one day to be a little sad about it and that's all I get. I need to be strong for my boys and for myself because that's what is keeping all of them going.
So today is my one day.... & I blame it on the hormones.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Long Distance Love
My mornings have taken quite a turn this week. I get up, make my coffee, let the dog out and watch the clock to make my phone calls. My first is to the NICU to see how Faris' night went and what the plans are for the day. Then my second call is to my mom to see what Hamza is doing and how he slept. My third call is to Ali to give him the update on our two little boys.
Faris is doing so well! I have actually learned quite a bit of the medical terms that they use.
Spells are when the baby forgets to breath
Dsat is in reference to his oxygen levels going below a certain range
BRADY is in reference to his heart rate dropping
Last night, he had none of these. His feed is holding steady at 1.8ML an hour and being tolerated well. His temperature has remained steady and his blood sugar is normal and under control from last week when it went up high. The nurses explained to me that it was normal for that to happen because he was so little and it wouldn't need medical intervention since it has come down.
His nurse last night also called him a rockstar. I told her I was still waiting for the call that wasn't all good news but it hasn't happened yet. Their first rule in there is never trust a preemie. Hopefully this kid proves them wrong but I am prepared for the not so good update to eventually happen.
Hamza got to meet his Great Great Grandma & Aunt last night and put on quite a show for them. He knew that they were trying to take a picture of him and wouldn't look at the camera! After getting some toys out and some coaxing from my mom to say, 'Cheese!' he gave in and smiled for them.
My mom sends me pictures of him in the morning and when she gets home with him. She sent the best video of him saying Hamza last night too. It was so cute! He spends the day with my Grandma and 2 cousins, playing outside, watching Disney Channel and making a mess.
I miss that little man but it has been nice for Ali and I to reconnect and for me to rest up and focus on Faris. I think Bruno, our dog, is more upset about what is going on than we are.
I CANNOT wait for tonight!! We get to give Faris a bath! It wont be his first one as they have it scheduled for every three days and we were still adjusting to what was going on & me being in the hospital but I am so excited! I have the video camera all charged up and a new disc ready to go! I just need the time to go a little bit faster and get to 8 PM so we can get in there and see him.
I love my little boys so much!
Faris is doing so well! I have actually learned quite a bit of the medical terms that they use.
Spells are when the baby forgets to breath
Dsat is in reference to his oxygen levels going below a certain range
BRADY is in reference to his heart rate dropping
Last night, he had none of these. His feed is holding steady at 1.8ML an hour and being tolerated well. His temperature has remained steady and his blood sugar is normal and under control from last week when it went up high. The nurses explained to me that it was normal for that to happen because he was so little and it wouldn't need medical intervention since it has come down.
His nurse last night also called him a rockstar. I told her I was still waiting for the call that wasn't all good news but it hasn't happened yet. Their first rule in there is never trust a preemie. Hopefully this kid proves them wrong but I am prepared for the not so good update to eventually happen.
Hamza got to meet his Great Great Grandma & Aunt last night and put on quite a show for them. He knew that they were trying to take a picture of him and wouldn't look at the camera! After getting some toys out and some coaxing from my mom to say, 'Cheese!' he gave in and smiled for them.
My mom sends me pictures of him in the morning and when she gets home with him. She sent the best video of him saying Hamza last night too. It was so cute! He spends the day with my Grandma and 2 cousins, playing outside, watching Disney Channel and making a mess.
I miss that little man but it has been nice for Ali and I to reconnect and for me to rest up and focus on Faris. I think Bruno, our dog, is more upset about what is going on than we are.
I CANNOT wait for tonight!! We get to give Faris a bath! It wont be his first one as they have it scheduled for every three days and we were still adjusting to what was going on & me being in the hospital but I am so excited! I have the video camera all charged up and a new disc ready to go! I just need the time to go a little bit faster and get to 8 PM so we can get in there and see him.
I love my little boys so much!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
My Little Fighter
Today my little fighter turns one week old. His progress so far has been amazing. Touching and holding him still brings on a wave of emotions. I am happy to be holding him but only being able to for a short period of time is still hard to get over. July 1st was my first time holding him and Ali got his first chance on July 4th. We also got to get a good look at him without his cpap on on the 4th as well.
The nurses are all amazing. I couldn't ask for him to have better care than what he is getting.
His Progress So Far:
Faris was born on June 28 by C-Section weighing 2lbs 7 oz & 14 1/2 inches. He is doing well breathing on his own but with the aide of a cpap machine. It is basically the same thing that someone with sleep apnea uses to keep the pressure in their lungs. He started out at a level 5 and has been weaned and doing well at a level 4. He is on Oxygen but it is the same amount that you and I are breathing in at this moment.
His feed started out at .03ML per hour and has been upped almost daily and is at 1.8ML per hour as of this morning. He is taking breast milk in his feed as well as a mixture of lipids, electrolytes and fat to help beef him up. I am pumping at home and then they store it in their freezer for three days to make sure any bacteria or germs are killed off. It feels so good to see that little tiny tube full of breast milk going into his little mouth.
He has had two head sonograms to check the size and structure of his brain and will continue to have those done throughout his stay in the NICU. So far, they have both been normal. His brain is looking good and there are no signs of bleeding.
Today he was taken off of light therapy which was to help his bilirubin levels come down. They started out in the 5s and had come down to 3.8 as of this morning. There is a chance that he will go on and off that during his stay, which is fine. His skin looked so amazing when we saw him yesterday! He started off kind of reddish and was really starting to get newborn baby skin.
He had lost a small amount of weight but was back up to 2lbs 6oz. The nurse said it takes a full term baby about a week to get back to their birth weight so they were all very pleased with his progress. I think he was just showing off.
I am so proud of my baby boy and I love him so much. I never could have imagined being faced with this but I am so happy and thankful to God that he is doing so well. We are headed down tomorrow and get to give him his first bath as long as he is still stable! I can't wait to share that moment with him!
The nurses are all amazing. I couldn't ask for him to have better care than what he is getting.
His Progress So Far:
Faris was born on June 28 by C-Section weighing 2lbs 7 oz & 14 1/2 inches. He is doing well breathing on his own but with the aide of a cpap machine. It is basically the same thing that someone with sleep apnea uses to keep the pressure in their lungs. He started out at a level 5 and has been weaned and doing well at a level 4. He is on Oxygen but it is the same amount that you and I are breathing in at this moment.
His feed started out at .03ML per hour and has been upped almost daily and is at 1.8ML per hour as of this morning. He is taking breast milk in his feed as well as a mixture of lipids, electrolytes and fat to help beef him up. I am pumping at home and then they store it in their freezer for three days to make sure any bacteria or germs are killed off. It feels so good to see that little tiny tube full of breast milk going into his little mouth.
He has had two head sonograms to check the size and structure of his brain and will continue to have those done throughout his stay in the NICU. So far, they have both been normal. His brain is looking good and there are no signs of bleeding.
Today he was taken off of light therapy which was to help his bilirubin levels come down. They started out in the 5s and had come down to 3.8 as of this morning. There is a chance that he will go on and off that during his stay, which is fine. His skin looked so amazing when we saw him yesterday! He started off kind of reddish and was really starting to get newborn baby skin.
He had lost a small amount of weight but was back up to 2lbs 6oz. The nurse said it takes a full term baby about a week to get back to their birth weight so they were all very pleased with his progress. I think he was just showing off.
I am so proud of my baby boy and I love him so much. I never could have imagined being faced with this but I am so happy and thankful to God that he is doing so well. We are headed down tomorrow and get to give him his first bath as long as he is still stable! I can't wait to share that moment with him!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
So Much Has Changed In Just A Few Days
I had been settling in to my new home and my 'vacation' time last Tuesday evening. It started out as just a small back pain which I attributed to laying in a crappy bed for 2 weeks and not getting a full nights sleep. Boy was I wrong! At about 5:30 PM the contractions started, they weren't too bad at first and I let it go for about 25 minutes to make sure that they were real. I called the nurse in only to go through another 30 minutes of not being able to get them to show on the monitor. She wanted to take me off but I convinced her that it was real and she kept watching. After that, the timing of everything got a little fuzzy.
The doctor came in along with my new nurse (of course, this had to happen at shift change) and another nurse to get an IV started. The nurse took one look at my hands and said she wouldn't be able to do it there because of the bruising from the weekend before. She then tried three different times, in between contractions, to get a vein that wouldn't blow with the size of needle they wanted in me. She felt terrible for having to stick me but I knew it needed to be done and kept telling her to keep going.
The doctor came back in after looking over some papers and asked me if anyone had checked to see if I had dilated. No one had and I knew what was coming next. It turned out that I was completely effaced and was 3 cm dilated. The next step was a sonogram to see if he was still head down.
Have I mentioned that I had not been able to get a hold of Ali for most of this? He decided to leave his phone in the car and went to the gym. Luckily, he got out of the gym in time for him to get down to me. The nurses were all instructed to kick him in the shins when he got there and they assured me that they would.
The sonogram revealed that he had flipped back over and was in breech position. I would be having a C Section to get my little man out and the idea was completely terrifying. I was wheeled down the Labor & Delivery Triage to wait for the doctors to prepare and to go over all of the steps of the surgery and all of the things that could go terribly wrong.
The surgery was the strangest feeling I have ever felt but it went well and it seemed pretty fast. It was so good to have Ali there next to me (he made it on time but barely). The doctors and nurses were all so amazing and very nice to me. The anesthesiologist kept patting my head and telling me I was doing a great job. I was honestly more satisfied with how well he was doing a his job but my hands were strapped down so I couldn't pat him back.
Recovery went pretty well. They drugged me up quite nicely and I slept through most of the night.
Faris Ali Rahmani was born June 28, 2011 2 lbs 7 oz., 14 1/2 inches, at 27 weeks & 3 days.
He is doing so well in the NICU and has been since he got there that night. He hasn't needed to be on oxygen, thank God, only a cpap which is basically the same thing for someone who has sleep apnea. Every nurse says that he is very feisty and it even took two of them to hold him and get his IV in the first night. Holding him for the first time on Thursday was so good as I had not been able to do anything but touch him through the holes in his bed. He pushes his little butt up in the air with his tiny little legs to get comfy or if he is mad. I think he wants out of there more than we want him out of there.
I love that tiny little man so much that I would sleep by his bedside if the nurses would allow me to. I can't wait for him to come home to us but I know we have a long road ahead and every day there is one closer to him coming home.
Thank you to everyone for your prayers and well wishes. I know that they are working and keeping this little man going.
Thank you Steph for watching Hamza and not even thinking twice about it.
But especially, thank you to my mom. I seriously don't know what we would have done without you to watch Hamza, clean, do laundry, cook and everything else that you have done. Words cannot express how much you mean to us. Love you, mom.
The doctor came in along with my new nurse (of course, this had to happen at shift change) and another nurse to get an IV started. The nurse took one look at my hands and said she wouldn't be able to do it there because of the bruising from the weekend before. She then tried three different times, in between contractions, to get a vein that wouldn't blow with the size of needle they wanted in me. She felt terrible for having to stick me but I knew it needed to be done and kept telling her to keep going.
The doctor came back in after looking over some papers and asked me if anyone had checked to see if I had dilated. No one had and I knew what was coming next. It turned out that I was completely effaced and was 3 cm dilated. The next step was a sonogram to see if he was still head down.
Have I mentioned that I had not been able to get a hold of Ali for most of this? He decided to leave his phone in the car and went to the gym. Luckily, he got out of the gym in time for him to get down to me. The nurses were all instructed to kick him in the shins when he got there and they assured me that they would.
The sonogram revealed that he had flipped back over and was in breech position. I would be having a C Section to get my little man out and the idea was completely terrifying. I was wheeled down the Labor & Delivery Triage to wait for the doctors to prepare and to go over all of the steps of the surgery and all of the things that could go terribly wrong.
The surgery was the strangest feeling I have ever felt but it went well and it seemed pretty fast. It was so good to have Ali there next to me (he made it on time but barely). The doctors and nurses were all so amazing and very nice to me. The anesthesiologist kept patting my head and telling me I was doing a great job. I was honestly more satisfied with how well he was doing a his job but my hands were strapped down so I couldn't pat him back.
Recovery went pretty well. They drugged me up quite nicely and I slept through most of the night.
Faris Ali Rahmani was born June 28, 2011 2 lbs 7 oz., 14 1/2 inches, at 27 weeks & 3 days.
He is doing so well in the NICU and has been since he got there that night. He hasn't needed to be on oxygen, thank God, only a cpap which is basically the same thing for someone who has sleep apnea. Every nurse says that he is very feisty and it even took two of them to hold him and get his IV in the first night. Holding him for the first time on Thursday was so good as I had not been able to do anything but touch him through the holes in his bed. He pushes his little butt up in the air with his tiny little legs to get comfy or if he is mad. I think he wants out of there more than we want him out of there.
I love that tiny little man so much that I would sleep by his bedside if the nurses would allow me to. I can't wait for him to come home to us but I know we have a long road ahead and every day there is one closer to him coming home.
Thank you to everyone for your prayers and well wishes. I know that they are working and keeping this little man going.
Thank you Steph for watching Hamza and not even thinking twice about it.
But especially, thank you to my mom. I seriously don't know what we would have done without you to watch Hamza, clean, do laundry, cook and everything else that you have done. Words cannot express how much you mean to us. Love you, mom.
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