I never knew how much a quiet house could make me just a little bit sad.
I am missing the sound of all of the toys that Hamza plays with. The sound of him throwing his blocks, and everything else, across the hardwood floors. The sound of my closet doors being opened and shut repeatedly and not softly. Playing hide & seek with him and his giggles when I jump out after he finds me. The sound of his voice singing to all of the kid songs on the CD I made him while we drive in the car.
I have looked at all of the pictures on Facebook, my phone, my computer and photo album more than once.... more than twice even. I have replayed the video of him saying his name at least 20 times and every time I smile.
He is having a blast in Utah with my mom and Grandma and actually talked to me a little tiny bit over the phone this morning. He blossoms so much there, it's amazing. It has just been a little lonely without my buddy tagging along with me.
In my wildest dreams did the thought of leaving the hospital without my baby ever cross my mind. I should be up all night with a baby, constantly changing diapers and feeding two little ones. The NICU is taking great care of him and I know that it is the best place for him but today I am just missing that tiny baby boy. The nurses are all amazing there and they love him so much. I couldn't ask for more for him.
I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I have everything I could have ever wanted out of life and I thank God ever day for what He has given me. I have an amazing husband who works so hard every single day to put food on the table, a roof over our heads, a car to drive and anything else I could ever want. I have the best little boy in the world. He is so smart and just cracks me up all the time with how mischievous he can be and most of all he is healthy. My baby boy is such a strong little fighter and has amazed everyone with how well he is doing. My family is so loving and would do anything for me just as I would do anything for them.
The social worker from the NICU explained that there would be days like this and it's OK to feel this way. I am going to let myself have this one day to be a little sad about it and that's all I get. I need to be strong for my boys and for myself because that's what is keeping all of them going.
So today is my one day.... & I blame it on the hormones.
Jess, I understand a little bit of what you are going through, obviously not to your extent, but 2 of my kids were NICU babies and had to be there for almost 2 weeks. I know that doesn't even compare to what you are going through, but the emotions of not having your baby inside you anymore, but not having him home with you is something I have felt. I am so glad that he is doing so well and that Hamza is doing well with your mom/relatives here in Utah. There will be good days and bad, but you are a great mommy and a wonderful person and you will be blessed. There are lots of prayers coming your way from Utah from all your friends! Love you, and big hugs, hang in there mama :)
ReplyDeleteMelanie
Thank you. It's very comforting to have you say that to me. :)
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